For every cancer patient fighting through tears and depression, there are others whose experience includes rage and frustration. For four decades, CHN’s trained volunteers have been providing one-on-one peer support to cancer patients and their loved ones, and they’ve seen it all. As they navigate hard conversations with their matches, CHN’s Programs Team is here to help.  

Each month, we host a Volunteer Roundtable. Rounds are part of our ongoing Hope Check series and provide an opportunity for ongoing training and discussion.  

Earlier this year, our discussion focused on handling controversial topics and finding hope in difficult conversations. The session was led by CHN social worker Maggie Koonz and included a review of best practices and literature.  

The volunteers who joined the discussion represented a vast array of experiences and time with CHN. From Donna, who’s “been with Cancer Hope since before it was called Cancer Hope Network!” to Terry who was celebrating her one-week anniversary as a volunteer, the group was engaged in sharing their thoughts on difficult conversations.  

The discussion centered on three deep-seated emotional reasons behind a patient’s outburst and ways to find what works for each conversation.  

Fear 
“When the topic is treatment, they may not be trying to convince you. They may be trying to convince themselves. It’s ok to say I don’t know,” said lung cancer survivor Sue. “They may think I’m an idiot, but they won’t start to fight with me or get me into a situation I don’t want to be part of.”  

“When clients are bringing that topic up, it’s often driven by fear. Sometimes, they need comfort. Sometimes that fear is increased by the unknown. Using their words to change the subject and get them talking about their cancer or chemo can be helpful.” Support Volunteer Donna has had similar experiences. “When someone is fighting, it’s often because of their fear.” She works to help people find practical ways forward through their fear.  

Anger 
For clients who suffered through misdiagnosis or botched treatments, there may be anger. Sometimes, that anger is directed at decisions they’ve made themselves. “I’m still mad at myself that I was a smoker” is common. Support Volunteer Teres, who survived colon cancer, shuts those conversations down. “I encourage my clients to focus their energy on things they can change. Guilt doesn’t do anything.”  

Loss of Control 
Cancer is a loss of control. Rachelle, a breast cancer survivor, recognizes that lashing out is sometimes a way to search for that lost control. She directs conversations to topics and activities that will acknowledge that fact. “What will help them have agency? Sometimes, people aren’t looking for advice.”  

Whatever the challenges our clients are facing, as survivors and caregivers, Support Volunteers have a unique ability to understand. “Just picking up the phone is an incredible act of vulnerability and courage,” said CHN Coordinator and social worker Maggie Koonz.  

“It’s important to be vulnerable,” said Teres. “When we as volunteers truly share our circumstances, and how far we’ve come, it gives our patients a feeling of hope.” Greg finds that his lived experience, and his ability to answer the “Are my feelings normal?” questions produce a sense of palpable relief. “Being vulnerable with a person makes a connection very fast.”  

That vulnerability and connection builds bridges past the fear, anger and loss of control. It allows real communication to take place and hope to take hold. Looking for connection? Want to build a bridge to hope? Click HERE or call 877.467.3638 (877-HOPENET) to get matched with a Support Volunteer.  

The post Reasons Behind the Rage: How to help when cancer patients lash out appeared first on Cancer Hope Network.

Read more about Mary’s cancer journey HERE , and HERE

I don’t know anyone diagnosed with cancer who wasn’t angry, disturbed, fearful, negative, frustrated,…at some point in their journey. I was so inwardly upset and stressed shortly after my cancer diagnosis, I went to urgent care a few days later with severe spasms in my neck.

What did I do with my negative feelings? I did not want them to lead to a sense of hopeless despair. My years of working in the nursing profession showed me the differences in people, how they handled their illnesses/injuries and how their attitudes affected their recoveries or how they lived with a chronic condition.

Following is a list of things that helped “adjust my attitude”:

• Early in my cancer journey, I had a few good friends who were cancer survivors, who stood by my side and gave me a great deal of encouragement.  My husband was extremely supportive as well.
• Later I joined a women’s cancer support group, an amazing group of ladies who made me realize I was not alone as our feelings and experiences were shared in confidence.
• My spiritual faith played a huge part in giving me strength I never knew I had. Prayer was very comforting to me, both my own prayer and knowing that others were praying for me. Many times my prayers consisted of only one word: either “help” or “thanks.”
• I sought peace and solace in the outdoors, hiking and kayaking, sometimes with others and other times alone. There are times when I cherish solitude.
• After my cancer treatments I joined a survivor’s group called DEFEAT cancer, which continued to give me hope, knowledge and the fighting-cancer attitude. I met many amazing people through this supportive group.
• I still get angry at cancer, at times, when I learn that a friend or loved one has been diagnosed.  I let “cancer” know how I feel, by expressing my anger at the disease, like just yelling “I HATE CANCER” and having a good cry.  I am not the type of person who yells very often, but it’s amazing how this helps me.  Once I get the anger off my chest I can call on that person and support them.

A kayak and a pole – one of life’s best attitude adjustments.

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