attitude Archives - Cancer Hope Network

Can we choose happiness even in cancer?

Guest Poster — Thu, 16 May 2019 18:28:42 +0000

Grand-dog Chloe and I are glamping in an elegant Airstream in a land of sunny skies and craggy mountain ranges and saguaro cacti. Tucson. I’m grand-dog sitting while my son and daughter-in-law are traveling internationally.
Stenciled on the vintage trailer next door is this thought: “Today, I will be happier than a bird with a French fry.”
Which begs the question: Can we choose to be happy?
When my husband, Gary, was diagnosed with late-stage prostate cancer, the experts said, “Two years.” Because he was relatively young, and in good shape. Because prostate cancer is slow-growing. Gary defiantly, stubbornly, tenaciously lived ten courageous, far-reaching years. And I suspect a good deal of it had to do with making positive choices.
There are a variety of opinions and conflicting reports about whether happiness is a choice. My intent isn’t to prove one opinion or another, but to share what Gary and I experienced in those years when happiness and peace wouldn’t have normally been hanging out with us.
Here are 11 intuitive methods Gary and I did to choose happiness over the blues and sadness and anxiety that cropped up during those ten cancer years:
Dance, hike, swim, kayak – in a word: move
In our middle years, Gary and I took on more outdoor physical activity. If you caught us hiking to the top of tall mountains, or slushing through powder in snow-shoes, or stroking our oars in sync on a mountain lake, you would have noticed our giddy ear-to-ear grins.
Get outdoors, and keep getting outdoors
The simple pleasure of being outdoors went a long way in creating joy for us. And when you throw in some movement with the outdoor-ness … well, then, double happiness.
Show random and not-so-random kindness
On a twelve-hour trip to Arizona from Oregon—one of those series of flights where I flew north to get south, with boots on the ground in four different states—I intentionally looked for random ways to show kindness. And glee overflowed on what would have otherwise been a long and arduous day.
Look for things to be grateful for, even in the hard
Inspired by Ann Voskamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts, I’m on my second journal of counting one thousand things I’m grateful for. I started the first list during Gary’s cancer years. You might be surprised at how counting what remains—instead of counting what was lost—made a huge difference on the happiness meter.
Be aware of our mindset
Setting our thoughts in an optimistic direction embraces courage over fear. And hope over despair. It holds onto peace as we intentionally boot out anxiety and worry. It chooses good humor instead of taking ourselves too seriously.
I suspect that all these things feed each other: gratitude brings contentment that fuels a positive way of seeing things, that helps us battle anxiety, that ushers in joy and happiness.
Practice good (selfless) self-care
There’s the debate that self-care is selfish. But self-care isn’t seeing to our needs and comfort first. It’s seeing to our responsibilities, and then taking time to care for ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in order to have a full vessel from which to serve.
I’m happiest when I’m rested, when I’m eating healthfully and walking some distance daily, when I take time each morning to sit still and nurture my spirit.
Consider how to give back
Brainstorm about ways to be in service based on our life experiences, especially the hard ones. I know an amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) widow who is passionate about awareness and research for this degenerative disease; a friend who struggled with painful infertility issues who now mentors young women; a brain cancer survivor who stages cycling events to support local cancer services.
Beautiful redemption stories — how God brings good from our pain and fills our hearts with joy through the giving back.
Listen to our favorite tunes
Music has the power to affect our frame of mind. Which is why calming music is played in elevators, and upbeat music is played in stores, and inspiring/fighting music is played at sporting events.
Put on soaring music and see if your spirit doesn’t soar.
Keep a journal for a brief period of time
There’s science to back up the benefit of capturing our concerns and fears and hopes and joys on paper. Even if you don’t enjoy writing, try journaling for a set period of time.
(I’m pretty sure I saved Gary thousands of dollars in psychotherapy costs through the years by keeping a journal.)
Try our hand at something creative
I can’t describe how happy it makes me to knit soft fuzzy things for all the beautiful women in my life. Water color painting, photography, cooking, pottery, designing landscapes, wood-working, repurposing old junk into cool new stuff. It doesn’t matter what we do; it matters that we get out our creative side and make some happiness.
Hang with incredible people
I’m in Tucson this week, where I connected with a couple friends: Randy, who is in a wheelchair as multiple sclerosis (MS) continues its relentless march.
And astrophysics grad student, Charity, who lost her husband, Jayson, and son, Woody, when a sneaker wave swept them out to sea.
Charity and I had scrumptious tacos in a courtyard surrounded by old stucco buildings and cast-iron gates, with stone walkways and trees strung with lights. Live music played while we talked about a number of things, including what she needs to do to become an astronaut. She said the odds are against her — not simply because 12 in 18,000 applicants are chosen every four years when a new class begins, but also because she doesn’t have a background in the military, and particularly flying planes.
But she’s made a list of goals that would enhance her chances of being one of the chosen few: learning fluent Russian, getting her pilot’s license, deep-sea diving, and wilderness survival. And she’ll eventually meet with her advisor for her input on the feasibility of pursuing this large and improbable goal. If anyone can do it, it would be Charity.
Randy and Charity inspire me with their grit and audacity in the face of incomprehensible loss. Which leaves us with a couple questions to ponder:
1) How do we feel after hanging out with people who whine, who can’t see the positive in anything, who gossip viciously, or make fun of others?
2) How do we feel after being around people who awe and inspire and make us realize we’re not dreaming big enough (Charity does this for me); people who challenge us, hold us accountable, who speak hope into our lives, and believe in the beauty of our dreams? (Come to think of it, I have a lot of friends and family like this in my life.)
Does the crowd we hang out with affect our happiness?
I’m thinking, Yes.
And there you have it, eleven ways Gary and I practiced choosing happiness during the bleak cancer years. In that hard and holy season—when we shouldn’t have experienced peace or happiness or contentment—peace, happiness, and contentment mostly surrounded us.
Here’s hoping that today you’ll be happier than a bird with a French fry!
Marlys Johnson is a cancer widow, author, speaker & blogger. We first met her through her work coordinating St. Charles Medical Center’s Survivorship Program and her beloved husband, Gary – a CHN Support Volunteer for many years. Her passion for helping others navigate life’s challenges inspires us every day and we are delighted to share her insights.
To read more of Marlys’ work – and discover her love of all things outdoors – visit her blog Renew | Repurpose.

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A bag of FU and hope.

Brandon Pantano — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 18:16:30 +0000

Michael Korb was 59 when he was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had no family history of cancer and had been putting off the colonoscopy he knew that he should get. After two days “with the worst gas pains ever,” Mike decided it was time to check colonoscopy off his to-do list.

Unfortunately, the scan revealed polyps – some clearly benign and others not so clear. He scheduled laparoscopic surgery to remove them “to be sure.” What was supposed to be routine surgery quickly became something else.

“I went in to have it removed laparoscopically. Five hours later, they’ve removed a cyst the size of a meatball, along with 14 inches of colon. My surgeon, Dr. David Ward sent the cyst to the lab and gave us the dreaded diagnosis and recommended an oncologist to help us move forward.” His oncologist, former CHN trustee Ken Adler, walked him through the benefits of chemo therapy (a reduced risk of recurrence) and suggested that, based on his markers, Mike would be the perfect candidate for a clinical trial in addition to the gold standard treatment he’d be receiving.

The trial was testing the efficacy of drugs that had been successful fighting other cancers. Instead of 3 hours for each chemotherapy treatment, Mike would need to stay for six. Plus, he’d be required to extend his treatment for six additional months.

Dr. Adler explained the pros and cons carefully, showing the empathy that is his hallmark. Even facing cancer, Mike wanted to help. He signed up.

“The additional drug we were testing had minimal side effects. I was never promised that the treatment would be the greatest thing since sliced bread, but I knew it’d be helping others,” he reflects. “What did I have to lose, other than time?”

Mike counts himself lucky. He views initial diagnosis as the most difficult part of his fight. “People die from cancer. It was an initial shock. But it became much easier after that.”

He worked through treatment, even travelling a bit. “I was lethargic, but not sick. I forced myself to get busy, get in the shower, stay busy. I got up every day with a sense of purpose. That’s what kept me going, what gave me the energy to keep moving. I was lucky. After speaking to so many others about their reactions to chemotherapy, my reaction was in the top 10% best possible version.”

A self-described “healthy guy,” he recalls feeling fortunate while getting his weekly infusions. “How could I possibly feel sorry for myself? I’m here once a week, there’s a woman who’s had every day treatments for 28 days. There’s a parent whose kid is receiving treatment. It was easy to keep a positive attitude because others had it so much more difficult.”

Plus there’s Mike’s sense of humor. His weekly treatment included a bag of medication that he carried with him. “If you go in Wednesday for three hours, you leave with a bag and a wire and have to come back Friday to give it back. I was receiving chemo, but I could go to work. I put the pouch on my belt, hidden under a sport jacket. Guy asked what was in the pouch and I responded honestly – FU. (the name of his drug)”
For ten years, he’s channeled his zest for life and sense of humor into helping others as a CHN Support Volunteer. “On some calls, the person is initially very reticent about saying anything to me. I’m just a voice on the other end of the phone. When they realize I’ve had the same diagnosis, treatment and issues they’re facing, they open up. A lot of people need some kind of cheerleader. They need reassurance from someone who has been there, done that. I become that cheerleader.”

He encourages anyone diagnosed with cancer to get connected to a Support Volunteer. “So many people have well-meaning people in their lives who don’t know how to handle it. To call on someone who went through what you are makes life a little easier.”

Today, the husband (he and his wife will soon celebrate their 45^th anniversary), father and Army veteran who served in Vietnam is enjoying the life he once dreamed of, full of good health, golf and travel. Best of all, there’s lots of time with his grandson – “Having a grandchild is like eating all the ice cream you want and not gaining any weight.”

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Christmas in July

Guest Poster — Mon, 16 Jul 2018 14:10:43 +0000

There’s a reason Christmas is often known as the “most wonderful time of the year.” For that one day, it seems everyone is just a little nicer, a little kinder and a little more gentle. If the kids misbehave, well no one really wants to yell at them on Christmas Day. If your spouse gets in the way in the kitchen, well maybe you’re just a little more patient. If dinner takes a little longer to get on the table, that’s just fine.

Today, Christmas Day, we don’t worry about schedule! All is good! No hassles today! It’s Christmas!
People are smiling, happy; more giving in every sense of the term. They’re buying gifts for family and friends, putting money in the Salvation Army kettle and sending in year-end contributions to their favorite causes. People are a little more patient. The feeling of giving, of being generous and kind is all around us.
On Christmas Day everybody is focused on being nice because it is such a special day – it’s hugs all around and everyone is feeling good. So I ask the question, why can’t it be Christmas every day? Why can’t people feel that way, act that way, every day? Why don’t we?

Imagine if we woke up each morning and behaved as though it were the “most wonderful time of the year.” If every day we thought about how nice we could be and how blessed we all are – if the gifts we bestowed were as simple but as precious as a kind word, a sincere compliment, an expression of support or encouragement.

That magic begins with our attitudes.

Frame of mind clearly shades an event, positively or negatively. How many times have we seen ourselves react to an extreme, either way, and then recognize that our reaction was tainted by our frame of mind at the time? You’ve had a tough day at home, or at school, or at the office, and at dinner you get the 17^th telemarketing begathon phone call of the week and you slam the phone down with expletives. Yet on a better day, maybe you say, sure and donate $25.

Attitude is more than just, “is the glass half full or half empty?” It’s starting the day with a basic belief that it’s going to be a nice day, a good day, and if problems arise, I’ll deal with them, and no matter what it takes, I’ll find a way. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I’m happier. I guess I made up my mind to be that way.”
Bringing a positive and confident approach to life is a choice of attitude. A difficult choice to recognize sometimes, but critical because it becomes the lens through which we look at everything we experience.

Attitude is not only a positive approach to daily life, but it also includes how we deal with the bumps along the road. I wonder sometimes if we are fair to ourselves. Did you ever notice how many people get depressed or upset for a while about something bad that happens, and yet, when something good happens they smile for only about three minutes? There ought to be a life rule that demands equal recognition time for good and bad. And in fact, why shouldn’t it require we spend more time focused on the good than the bad?

Once our attitudes are right, it’s time to take action.

Being nice to others is so much more than generosity. It is caring, it is being supportive of others, it is lifting one’s spirits when they are down, it is reaching out when you haven’t talked in a while, it is calling someone when they are sick or troubled, it is remembering someone on their birthday, or on a sad day. And very importantly, when talking with someone, it is about truly listening.

So often we converse with people but how hard do we actually “listen?” How often do we share what we want to say and then kind of tune out when the other person speaks. Science tells us that we only retain about 25% of what we hear – so focus is critical.

It’s not easy. We live in a world of technology that creates so many distractions. People have their smart phones, their earphones, portable music everywhere – not just the home, the backyard, the car, but now even on the golf cart. How many times have you walked into a restaurant and seen a group of friends or a family having dinner and they’re all just sitting there playing with their cell phones? Or folks crossing the street so busy on their cell phone that they don’t see the traffic or other pedestrians. And when our television DVR’s allow us to pause anything, back it up and replay what we just missed, is it any wonder people don’t always pay attention?

When you spend time with a friend, give them the courtesy, the care, the priority of your attention – listen.

So my point is a fairly simple and straightforward one – that comes from having a simple mind! Some days we just decide that we’re going to be extra-special-nice to others. Whether that’s Christmas or someone’s birthday or Mother’s Day – we know that on that day we are going to make it extra special for others.

We can let the joy, the thanks, the smile, the kindness, the patience, the caring, come through every day.
My challenge, my suggestion, my inspirational thought for you – one day this week, when you are going to bed, tell yourself that tomorrow you’re going to pretend that it’s Christmas. You don’t have to tell anyone, just have that thought in your head the next day. And remind yourself of that multiple times during the day. That night reflect on the day and see how you feel.

I believe you will have a great day and that others around you will as well.
Merry Everyday!

Cancer Hope Network is nondenominational and nonpartisan. We’re proud to serve clients from diverse backgrounds with a wide variety of beliefs.

Wally Parker is past president of Cancer Hope Network’s Board of Trustees and a longtime member of the First Congregational Church of Westfield who occasionally has the opportunity to deliver the sermon. Today, we’re delighted to share a condensed version of a sermon he recently gave. We hope the message of hope and kindness resonates with you as it did with us!

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